Depression and Suicide: My Story

I haven't written here in a very long time, but some events over the last 24 hours have me wanting to share my story in hopes that it will help someone else.  So, here goes.

In March 2011, I was very close to taking my own life.  My first child (Jacob) was born in June 2010.  After my maternity leave was up, I transitioned into a stay-at-home mom.  I had no friends home during the day, and no one to relate to.  My marriage wasn't what I had hoped it would be, and I was not adjusting well to this new role of motherhood.  All of that said, there was one morning where I got into a fight with my husband.  It was about what kind of sandwich he wanted me to pack him.  Looking back, what a silly thing to get so upset about.  But at that moment, it was the only thing I could focus on.

After Josh left for work, I packed everything up and Jacob and I headed to a play date.  On our way there, the feelings really started to take over the logic.  I felt worthless, alone, and depressed.  I no longer wanted to live.  I thought about how much better Jacob would be with a mom who was more patient and loving.  I thought how much nicer Josh's life would be with a woman who could support him and take care of him.  My thoughts were all about how I was failing in every aspect of my families life, and not about what I contributed. 

In an instant, I had a plan.  I could drop Jacob off on the side of the road with a note, and he would easily be reunited with Josh.  And it wouldn't take long to do what I had in mind.  I could drive straight into the water.  There was no fence or guardrail to stop it from happening.  All of this processed during a red light.  By the time it turned green, I was ready to make my decision.  I could go straight and end things, or I could turn left and continue life.  Obviously, I turned left.

That moment is one of the darkest times of my life.  I would be remiss in saying this was a once and done moment.  It wasn't.  It's not.  It will be something I fight with whenever I feel like life has dragged me down.  But now I have plans in place and people to call.  Now I know what I'll do if this happens again.  And that's what I want for everyone else.  So, here's my advice.

If you are struggling with depression and suicide:
1.  TELL SOMEONE.  It is so very easy to keep it inside and not share.  Don't do it.  Tell your parents, friends, spouse, pastor, guidance counselor, psychiatrist... SOMEONE.
2.  Don't do anything at all, but at least wait for 24 hours.  It is so easy to get wrapped up in one instance.  Wait it out.  Tell someone. Things will change, I promise.
3.  Pray.  I don't care if you are not a Christian.  Pray anyway.  God hears, and He will be there for you, no matter what.
4.  Stop thinking about you.  Find someone else to think about or an event to concentrate on.  The more you think about yourself, the worse these feelings will get.

If you have experienced the death of someone due to suicide:
1.  First, I am so, so incredibly sorry.  The pain and grief are so overwhelming.  They will lessen, but it will never go away. 
2.  There was absolutely nothing you could have done or said.  Their thoughts overwhelm everything else.  There is no way to reach them during that moment. 
3.  They still love you.  They always have.  They just couldn't see past the current pain. 

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18


I love you guys.  All of you.  Please don't let that one moment of depression take over.  Fight it with everything inside of you. 

The car seat debacle

Do you remember how quickly you could get into your car and drive away when it was just you??  How all it took was sliding into the driver seat, turning on the car and clicking the seatbelt on?  What happened to those days???  I now reserve at least 3 minutes for getting into the car.  And this is on a good day. 

First, you have to find the child.  Jacob will most likely come into the garage if the door is open.  He finds the garage to be a very exciting place.  Since we let him come down the steps on his own, we're never really sure which direction he will go.  Sometimes he goes right to the car door.  Other times he goes to the lawn mower, or the wrong car and gets in.  Other times he just runs circles around the car. 

Once the child is caught, you have to then get them into the car seat.  My favorite is the stiff leg and screaming that occurs during this time.  Especially if you're in a public place.  You can get some pretty amazing looks.  And then the battle to get him clipped into place.  Goodness.  A five point harness is a great thing for safety.  When trying to get a child into it, it's like fighting a dinosaur in jello. 

And then, of course, once that is all over, you have to get yourself into the car.  Which is by far the easiest step ever.  And you know the craziest part of this?  I'm having another kid.  That means I'm going to have to do this TWICE.  I'm thinking inventing teleporting might be a good thing right about now.

The Pukes

Last night, a lovely stomach virus attacked my husband.  It hasn't yet hit Jacob, but he does have a fever and runny nose... so the countdown is on.  There is just something so gross about sickness.  Before I was a mom, I had no cares if I became sick.  It didn't matter to me if I had to stay home from work.  I actually welcomed it!  Now, I'm that woman with the lysol and panicked look in her face trying to keep the germs away.

It's only a matter of time before Jacob becomes the one throwing up.  We haven't yet experienced him being sick during the day.  The last time he had a stomach virus it was contained to his crib.  I can't even imagine what is going to happen if I have to try and get him to throw up in a bucket or just to stay still so it's not everywhere.  Sigh.

And then I know it will be my turn.  This is the worst option.  Because it's not a weekend and Josh is already taken today to recover, there's no help.  I will be throwing up in the bucket and yelling at Jacob to stop touching the electrical outlet.  I'm pretty sure once this is all over I'm treating myself to a trip to Mexico.  Maybe the Virgin Islands.  Not quite sure.  I'm not sure who's funding it yet, but you better get ready.  Heehee.

So now the wait is on.  Any bets on who will be throwing up next???

My First Tornado Warning...

Well.  What an evening.  For the past few days, the weather forecasters began to tell us about a strong storm coming through the area on Sunday night.  I didn't really know what that meant.  In West Virginia, a strong storm means wind, lightening, rain, maybe hail.  Did you know that in Kentucky, that lingo means possible tornadoes???? Well, I do now!  Goodness.

Since I really don't have anything to get excited about normally (no meetings, presentations, promotions), this ranked pretty high on my list.  So I began to prepare our "bunker" on Sunday afternoon.  Our "bunker" is a little closet (it's a lot smaller when the three of us are in there) behind the steps.  I put in blankets, water, and the weather radio.  We moved Jacob into our room for the evening.  And I pulled up different websites and radar maps every five minutes.  Yes, I was freaked out. 


And then it happened.  We went from a tornado watch to a tornado warning.  Our previously agreed upon plan was that Josh would retrieve Jacob and I would go straight to the bunker.  Well, Josh wasn't fast enough.  So while he was trying to get a few extras (his phone, keys, wallet, etc.) I was yelling "GET IN THE BUNKER!  GET JACOB! HURRY UP! WE'RE GOING TO DIE!"  And no, that isn't an exaggeration.


The first warning was from 10:40pm to 11:00pm.  And then the warning was extended until 11:30pm.  Josh decided at 11:00pm he needed batteries, so he went on a search.  I would periodically open the closet door and yell at him to come back.  Once he came back, I knew I had to do it.  You see, I should have peed at 10:40pm instead of yelling like a banshee.  So I ran out of our closet into the toliet.  I was pretty sure the tornado was going to come at that moment and whip me away, while seated on the potty.  Goodness.


Thankfully, Jesus was watching out for us and we had no damage besides a few dents on our garage door.  I think I've calmed down a bit.  Now I know what to expect and what those sirens sound like.  Although, I *really* hope we have no more warnings until March!!! 

Friday Food!

I thought it would be fun to share some of my family's favorite recipes with you.  They may come with a picture, they may not!  So, anyway, today is Taco Pie.  This is a great go-to for meals for new mothers and is always met with rave reviews!!

Taco Pie (http://allrecipes.com/recipe/taco-pie/detail.aspx)

Ingredients

• 1 (8 ounce) package refrigerated crescent rolls
• 1 pound ground beef
• 1 (1 ounce) package taco seasoning mix
• 1 (16 ounce) container sour cream
• 8 ounces shredded Mexican-style cheese blend
• 1 (14 ounce) bag tortilla chips, crushed

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2. Lay crescent dough flat on the bottom of a square cake pan and bake according to package directions.
3. Meanwhile, brown the ground beef in a large skillet over medium high heat. Add the taco seasoning and stir together well. When dough is done, remove from oven and place meat mixture on top, then layer with sour cream and cheese, and then top off with the crushed nacho chips.  (I recommend doing two layers of this!)
4. Return to oven and bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 10 minutes, or until cheese has melted. 

We love to eat this with Spanish Rice and Corn!  Hope you enjoy!!!

Amazed...

Today, I am amazed at how God works everything out.  When we first found out we were moving to Murray, I was pretty sure my life was over.  Obviously, Murray was full of boredom and ugliness.  Too bad I hadn't yet even visited!  HA.  I was so unsure of why God would take us to this place and so far from friends and family. And the first month or two weren't so nice.  Things were still too new. 

And then it began to click.  We found a home church, we got involved in different things, we started having activities during the day and night.  The weather stayed beautiful (so far only a dusting of snow!) and we love our house.  It's amazing to me how I could be so sure this isn't where we were supposed to be, and now I am so sure this IS where we are supposed to be.  We're growing in Christ, we've found great friends and we are being blessed daily. 

Today I met with someone about a desire I have in a certain ministry.  I found out a bit ago that they were looking into this ministry, but didn't have someone who wanted to start it.  Now that a work schedule has changed, there is a true and strong desire to start this and reach out to those in our community.  Could God have brought us here for that one reason??  I'm getting all excited just thinking about it!!!!

Even if things fall through and this doesn't happen, I do know that we're here for a reason.  And if we never find out what that reason is, I will still enjoy the fact that we are here and I pray that God will use our little family in whatever way He wants too!!

IT'S A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday we found out that we are having a little girl!!!  I am so over the moon about this news.  We had hoped for a girl, but would have been happy no matter what!  So now it's time to go buy all the cute headbands, etc. and pink clothes! Woohoo!!!

The one thing I'm worried about is those teenage years.  Although I bet you can't understand, I wasn't quite the sweetest teenage girl.  My mother was quite ready to ship me off to college.  I was a bit mean to her (ok, a lot mean to her!) and definitely had an opinion on everything.  I feel like Jacob is already starting down that road, and I can't imagine throwing another one into the mix who has even stronger opinions!

I'm thinking it might be best to just lock her in her room all Rapunzel style until she's 18 or the prince comes looking for her.  It might be safer that way anyway.  Then daddy doesn't have to threaten the boys that show up at the door.  I'm thinking that might work!  Alright, it won't, I know. 

So, here we go!  A big adventure is definitely headed our way.  And I think we're ready.  I guess we'll find out in 22 weeks!!!!!