I haven't written here in a very long time, but some events over the last 24 hours have me wanting to share my story in hopes that it will help someone else. So, here goes.
In March 2011, I was very close to taking my own life. My first child (Jacob) was born in June 2010. After my maternity leave was up, I transitioned into a stay-at-home mom. I had no friends home during the day, and no one to relate to. My marriage wasn't what I had hoped it would be, and I was not adjusting well to this new role of motherhood. All of that said, there was one morning where I got into a fight with my husband. It was about what kind of sandwich he wanted me to pack him. Looking back, what a silly thing to get so upset about. But at that moment, it was the only thing I could focus on.
After Josh left for work, I packed everything up and Jacob and I headed to a play date. On our way there, the feelings really started to take over the logic. I felt worthless, alone, and depressed. I no longer wanted to live. I thought about how much better Jacob would be with a mom who was more patient and loving. I thought how much nicer Josh's life would be with a woman who could support him and take care of him. My thoughts were all about how I was failing in every aspect of my families life, and not about what I contributed.
In an instant, I had a plan. I could drop Jacob off on the side of the road with a note, and he would easily be reunited with Josh. And it wouldn't take long to do what I had in mind. I could drive straight into the water. There was no fence or guardrail to stop it from happening. All of this processed during a red light. By the time it turned green, I was ready to make my decision. I could go straight and end things, or I could turn left and continue life. Obviously, I turned left.
That moment is one of the darkest times of my life. I would be remiss in saying this was a once and done moment. It wasn't. It's not. It will be something I fight with whenever I feel like life has dragged me down. But now I have plans in place and people to call. Now I know what I'll do if this happens again. And that's what I want for everyone else. So, here's my advice.
If you are struggling with depression and suicide:
1. TELL SOMEONE. It is so very easy to keep it inside and not share. Don't do it. Tell your parents, friends, spouse, pastor, guidance counselor, psychiatrist... SOMEONE.
2. Don't do anything at all, but at least wait for 24 hours. It is so easy to get wrapped up in one instance. Wait it out. Tell someone. Things will change, I promise.
3. Pray. I don't care if you are not a Christian. Pray anyway. God hears, and He will be there for you, no matter what.
4. Stop thinking about you. Find someone else to think about or an event to concentrate on. The more you think about yourself, the worse these feelings will get.
If you have experienced the death of someone due to suicide:
1. First, I am so, so incredibly sorry. The pain and grief are so overwhelming. They will lessen, but it will never go away.
2. There was absolutely nothing you could have done or said. Their thoughts overwhelm everything else. There is no way to reach them during that moment.
3. They still love you. They always have. They just couldn't see past the current pain.
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
I love you guys. All of you. Please don't let that one moment of depression take over. Fight it with everything inside of you.
Well said, Liz. And I just want you to know that you are very courageous for posting your story. Thank you. As someone who has dealt with depression and suicide, you gave some great advice. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with all this, but thank you for sharing it in the hopes that it will help someone else.
ReplyDeleteLiz you are so brave to share this! Such a critical part of healing is being ready to reach out to and share with and try to help others. There are so many people who struggle with these things and no one ever knows, and they think they're the only ones. Thanks for letting them know that they're not.
ReplyDeleteI am someone who knows you. I go to your church.
ReplyDeleteI have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was about 12. It is a constant battle for me. I know what you are going through. I love you and thank you for posting this.
I have been on and off of medication for depression. That is one of the worst things you can do for yourself. If you are going to take medication for depression, DO NOT GO OFF of them. It just sends you into a bigger tailspin. Stay on them at a lower dosage. There is no shame in having to take medication for depression.
Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain that is genetic. You have no control over having this disease. You didn't get it from poor life decisions. I see it as a roadblock to being the person I know I can and want to be.
If I want to avoid the roadblock I have to take a little pill of "chemical imbalance stabilizers". Ok, so maybe thats weird but it helps me to know that it is not my fault.
God put it there so that we could overcome it and sympathize with others. Maybe it is just a blessing in disguise. lol
I hope the rest of your week goes well and When I see you at church on Sunday I will say "peach pie". Then you will know who I am. But i try to keep this part of my story to only those I trust.