I haven't written here in a very long time, but some events over the last 24 hours have me wanting to share my story in hopes that it will help someone else. So, here goes.
In March 2011, I was very close to taking my own life. My first child (Jacob) was born in June 2010. After my maternity leave was up, I transitioned into a stay-at-home mom. I had no friends home during the day, and no one to relate to. My marriage wasn't what I had hoped it would be, and I was not adjusting well to this new role of motherhood. All of that said, there was one morning where I got into a fight with my husband. It was about what kind of sandwich he wanted me to pack him. Looking back, what a silly thing to get so upset about. But at that moment, it was the only thing I could focus on.
After Josh left for work, I packed everything up and Jacob and I headed to a play date. On our way there, the feelings really started to take over the logic. I felt worthless, alone, and depressed. I no longer wanted to live. I thought about how much better Jacob would be with a mom who was more patient and loving. I thought how much nicer Josh's life would be with a woman who could support him and take care of him. My thoughts were all about how I was failing in every aspect of my families life, and not about what I contributed.
In an instant, I had a plan. I could drop Jacob off on the side of the road with a note, and he would easily be reunited with Josh. And it wouldn't take long to do what I had in mind. I could drive straight into the water. There was no fence or guardrail to stop it from happening. All of this processed during a red light. By the time it turned green, I was ready to make my decision. I could go straight and end things, or I could turn left and continue life. Obviously, I turned left.
That moment is one of the darkest times of my life. I would be remiss in saying this was a once and done moment. It wasn't. It's not. It will be something I fight with whenever I feel like life has dragged me down. But now I have plans in place and people to call. Now I know what I'll do if this happens again. And that's what I want for everyone else. So, here's my advice.
If you are struggling with depression and suicide:
1. TELL SOMEONE. It is so very easy to keep it inside and not share. Don't do it. Tell your parents, friends, spouse, pastor, guidance counselor, psychiatrist... SOMEONE.
2. Don't do anything at all, but at least wait for 24 hours. It is so easy to get wrapped up in one instance. Wait it out. Tell someone. Things will change, I promise.
3. Pray. I don't care if you are not a Christian. Pray anyway. God hears, and He will be there for you, no matter what.
4. Stop thinking about you. Find someone else to think about or an event to concentrate on. The more you think about yourself, the worse these feelings will get.
If you have experienced the death of someone due to suicide:
1. First, I am so, so incredibly sorry. The pain and grief are so overwhelming. They will lessen, but it will never go away.
2. There was absolutely nothing you could have done or said. Their thoughts overwhelm everything else. There is no way to reach them during that moment.
3. They still love you. They always have. They just couldn't see past the current pain.
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
I love you guys. All of you. Please don't let that one moment of depression take over. Fight it with everything inside of you.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
The car seat debacle
Do you remember how quickly you could get into your car and drive away when it was just you?? How all it took was sliding into the driver seat, turning on the car and clicking the seatbelt on? What happened to those days??? I now reserve at least 3 minutes for getting into the car. And this is on a good day.
First, you have to find the child. Jacob will most likely come into the garage if the door is open. He finds the garage to be a very exciting place. Since we let him come down the steps on his own, we're never really sure which direction he will go. Sometimes he goes right to the car door. Other times he goes to the lawn mower, or the wrong car and gets in. Other times he just runs circles around the car.
Once the child is caught, you have to then get them into the car seat. My favorite is the stiff leg and screaming that occurs during this time. Especially if you're in a public place. You can get some pretty amazing looks. And then the battle to get him clipped into place. Goodness. A five point harness is a great thing for safety. When trying to get a child into it, it's like fighting a dinosaur in jello.
And then, of course, once that is all over, you have to get yourself into the car. Which is by far the easiest step ever. And you know the craziest part of this? I'm having another kid. That means I'm going to have to do this TWICE. I'm thinking inventing teleporting might be a good thing right about now.
First, you have to find the child. Jacob will most likely come into the garage if the door is open. He finds the garage to be a very exciting place. Since we let him come down the steps on his own, we're never really sure which direction he will go. Sometimes he goes right to the car door. Other times he goes to the lawn mower, or the wrong car and gets in. Other times he just runs circles around the car.
Once the child is caught, you have to then get them into the car seat. My favorite is the stiff leg and screaming that occurs during this time. Especially if you're in a public place. You can get some pretty amazing looks. And then the battle to get him clipped into place. Goodness. A five point harness is a great thing for safety. When trying to get a child into it, it's like fighting a dinosaur in jello.
And then, of course, once that is all over, you have to get yourself into the car. Which is by far the easiest step ever. And you know the craziest part of this? I'm having another kid. That means I'm going to have to do this TWICE. I'm thinking inventing teleporting might be a good thing right about now.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
The Pukes
Last night, a lovely stomach virus attacked my husband. It hasn't yet hit Jacob, but he does have a fever and runny nose... so the countdown is on. There is just something so gross about sickness. Before I was a mom, I had no cares if I became sick. It didn't matter to me if I had to stay home from work. I actually welcomed it! Now, I'm that woman with the lysol and panicked look in her face trying to keep the germs away.
It's only a matter of time before Jacob becomes the one throwing up. We haven't yet experienced him being sick during the day. The last time he had a stomach virus it was contained to his crib. I can't even imagine what is going to happen if I have to try and get him to throw up in a bucket or just to stay still so it's not everywhere. Sigh.
And then I know it will be my turn. This is the worst option. Because it's not a weekend and Josh is already taken today to recover, there's no help. I will be throwing up in the bucket and yelling at Jacob to stop touching the electrical outlet. I'm pretty sure once this is all over I'm treating myself to a trip to Mexico. Maybe the Virgin Islands. Not quite sure. I'm not sure who's funding it yet, but you better get ready. Heehee.
So now the wait is on. Any bets on who will be throwing up next???
It's only a matter of time before Jacob becomes the one throwing up. We haven't yet experienced him being sick during the day. The last time he had a stomach virus it was contained to his crib. I can't even imagine what is going to happen if I have to try and get him to throw up in a bucket or just to stay still so it's not everywhere. Sigh.
And then I know it will be my turn. This is the worst option. Because it's not a weekend and Josh is already taken today to recover, there's no help. I will be throwing up in the bucket and yelling at Jacob to stop touching the electrical outlet. I'm pretty sure once this is all over I'm treating myself to a trip to Mexico. Maybe the Virgin Islands. Not quite sure. I'm not sure who's funding it yet, but you better get ready. Heehee.
So now the wait is on. Any bets on who will be throwing up next???
Monday, January 23, 2012
My First Tornado Warning...
Well. What an evening. For the past few days, the weather forecasters began to tell us about a strong storm coming through the area on Sunday night. I didn't really know what that meant. In West Virginia, a strong storm means wind, lightening, rain, maybe hail. Did you know that in Kentucky, that lingo means possible tornadoes???? Well, I do now! Goodness.
Since I really don't have anything to get excited about normally (no meetings, presentations, promotions), this ranked pretty high on my list. So I began to prepare our "bunker" on Sunday afternoon. Our "bunker" is a little closet (it's a lot smaller when the three of us are in there) behind the steps. I put in blankets, water, and the weather radio. We moved Jacob into our room for the evening. And I pulled up different websites and radar maps every five minutes. Yes, I was freaked out.
And then it happened. We went from a tornado watch to a tornado warning. Our previously agreed upon plan was that Josh would retrieve Jacob and I would go straight to the bunker. Well, Josh wasn't fast enough. So while he was trying to get a few extras (his phone, keys, wallet, etc.) I was yelling "GET IN THE BUNKER! GET JACOB! HURRY UP! WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" And no, that isn't an exaggeration.
The first warning was from 10:40pm to 11:00pm. And then the warning was extended until 11:30pm. Josh decided at 11:00pm he needed batteries, so he went on a search. I would periodically open the closet door and yell at him to come back. Once he came back, I knew I had to do it. You see, I should have peed at 10:40pm instead of yelling like a banshee. So I ran out of our closet into the toliet. I was pretty sure the tornado was going to come at that moment and whip me away, while seated on the potty. Goodness.
Thankfully, Jesus was watching out for us and we had no damage besides a few dents on our garage door. I think I've calmed down a bit. Now I know what to expect and what those sirens sound like. Although, I *really* hope we have no more warnings until March!!!
Since I really don't have anything to get excited about normally (no meetings, presentations, promotions), this ranked pretty high on my list. So I began to prepare our "bunker" on Sunday afternoon. Our "bunker" is a little closet (it's a lot smaller when the three of us are in there) behind the steps. I put in blankets, water, and the weather radio. We moved Jacob into our room for the evening. And I pulled up different websites and radar maps every five minutes. Yes, I was freaked out.
And then it happened. We went from a tornado watch to a tornado warning. Our previously agreed upon plan was that Josh would retrieve Jacob and I would go straight to the bunker. Well, Josh wasn't fast enough. So while he was trying to get a few extras (his phone, keys, wallet, etc.) I was yelling "GET IN THE BUNKER! GET JACOB! HURRY UP! WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" And no, that isn't an exaggeration.
The first warning was from 10:40pm to 11:00pm. And then the warning was extended until 11:30pm. Josh decided at 11:00pm he needed batteries, so he went on a search. I would periodically open the closet door and yell at him to come back. Once he came back, I knew I had to do it. You see, I should have peed at 10:40pm instead of yelling like a banshee. So I ran out of our closet into the toliet. I was pretty sure the tornado was going to come at that moment and whip me away, while seated on the potty. Goodness.
Thankfully, Jesus was watching out for us and we had no damage besides a few dents on our garage door. I think I've calmed down a bit. Now I know what to expect and what those sirens sound like. Although, I *really* hope we have no more warnings until March!!!
Friday, January 20, 2012
Friday Food!
I thought it would be fun to share some of my family's favorite recipes with you. They may come with a picture, they may not! So, anyway, today is Taco Pie. This is a great go-to for meals for new mothers and is always met with rave reviews!!
Ingredients
- 1 (8 ounce) package refrigerated crescent rolls
- 1 pound ground beef
- 1 (1 ounce) package taco seasoning mix
- 1 (16 ounce) container sour cream
- 8 ounces shredded Mexican-style cheese blend
- 1 (14 ounce) bag tortilla chips, crushed
Directions
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
- Lay crescent dough flat on the bottom of a square cake pan and bake according to package directions.
- Meanwhile, brown the ground beef in a large skillet over medium high heat. Add the taco seasoning and stir together well. When dough is done, remove from oven and place meat mixture on top, then layer with sour cream and cheese, and then top off with the crushed nacho chips. (I recommend doing two layers of this!)
- Return to oven and bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 10 minutes, or until cheese has melted.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Amazed...
Today, I am amazed at how God works everything out. When we first found out we were moving to Murray, I was pretty sure my life was over. Obviously, Murray was full of boredom and ugliness. Too bad I hadn't yet even visited! HA. I was so unsure of why God would take us to this place and so far from friends and family. And the first month or two weren't so nice. Things were still too new.
And then it began to click. We found a home church, we got involved in different things, we started having activities during the day and night. The weather stayed beautiful (so far only a dusting of snow!) and we love our house. It's amazing to me how I could be so sure this isn't where we were supposed to be, and now I am so sure this IS where we are supposed to be. We're growing in Christ, we've found great friends and we are being blessed daily.
Today I met with someone about a desire I have in a certain ministry. I found out a bit ago that they were looking into this ministry, but didn't have someone who wanted to start it. Now that a work schedule has changed, there is a true and strong desire to start this and reach out to those in our community. Could God have brought us here for that one reason?? I'm getting all excited just thinking about it!!!!
Even if things fall through and this doesn't happen, I do know that we're here for a reason. And if we never find out what that reason is, I will still enjoy the fact that we are here and I pray that God will use our little family in whatever way He wants too!!
And then it began to click. We found a home church, we got involved in different things, we started having activities during the day and night. The weather stayed beautiful (so far only a dusting of snow!) and we love our house. It's amazing to me how I could be so sure this isn't where we were supposed to be, and now I am so sure this IS where we are supposed to be. We're growing in Christ, we've found great friends and we are being blessed daily.
Today I met with someone about a desire I have in a certain ministry. I found out a bit ago that they were looking into this ministry, but didn't have someone who wanted to start it. Now that a work schedule has changed, there is a true and strong desire to start this and reach out to those in our community. Could God have brought us here for that one reason?? I'm getting all excited just thinking about it!!!!
Even if things fall through and this doesn't happen, I do know that we're here for a reason. And if we never find out what that reason is, I will still enjoy the fact that we are here and I pray that God will use our little family in whatever way He wants too!!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
IT'S A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday we found out that we are having a little girl!!! I am so over the moon about this news. We had hoped for a girl, but would have been happy no matter what! So now it's time to go buy all the cute headbands, etc. and pink clothes! Woohoo!!!
The one thing I'm worried about is those teenage years. Although I bet you can't understand, I wasn't quite the sweetest teenage girl. My mother was quite ready to ship me off to college. I was a bit mean to her (ok, a lot mean to her!) and definitely had an opinion on everything. I feel like Jacob is already starting down that road, and I can't imagine throwing another one into the mix who has even stronger opinions!
I'm thinking it might be best to just lock her in her room all Rapunzel style until she's 18 or the prince comes looking for her. It might be safer that way anyway. Then daddy doesn't have to threaten the boys that show up at the door. I'm thinking that might work! Alright, it won't, I know.
So, here we go! A big adventure is definitely headed our way. And I think we're ready. I guess we'll find out in 22 weeks!!!!!
The one thing I'm worried about is those teenage years. Although I bet you can't understand, I wasn't quite the sweetest teenage girl. My mother was quite ready to ship me off to college. I was a bit mean to her (ok, a lot mean to her!) and definitely had an opinion on everything. I feel like Jacob is already starting down that road, and I can't imagine throwing another one into the mix who has even stronger opinions!
I'm thinking it might be best to just lock her in her room all Rapunzel style until she's 18 or the prince comes looking for her. It might be safer that way anyway. Then daddy doesn't have to threaten the boys that show up at the door. I'm thinking that might work! Alright, it won't, I know.
So, here we go! A big adventure is definitely headed our way. And I think we're ready. I guess we'll find out in 22 weeks!!!!!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
I'm posting...
...to say I'm not posting today. I have secrets that need to be secret. I'll tell you tomorrow, ok?? :-D
Monday, January 16, 2012
Poop in the Potty!
What a weekend! We had some friends visiting from Morgantown and got to spend some time with them this weekend. And, we had a milestone at our home. Jacob pooped in the potty for the first time! I was quite shocked to say the least. I really didn't think he was ready, and I was not ready to clean him up afterwards. Gross. So I decided this was most likely a fluke and wouldn't happen again.
So this morning we peed on the potty before I got him dressed. And he pooped on the potty AGAIN! Well, at this point I decided Josh and I must be parenting pretty well and I had my phone ready to dial all my friends who need my advice to get their children potty trained. I was thinking we were on top of things. As I'm on the phone with my mom, Jacob comes around the corner. And what do I smell??
Yep. You guessed it. Poop in the diaper. ARGH!!!!!!!! There goes my parenting award. Now I can't call anyone to tell them how to make their kids go in the potty. Blah. And I have to clean it up again. White flag. I surrender. Someone else come take care of this! So I think we'll just keep playing it by ear for awhile. I'm not sure either of us is ready to go full throttle.
But let me tell you, whether cleaning up poop from a diaper or after going on the potty, both make you want to gag. I'm ready for the day when he can do this himself!!!!!
So this morning we peed on the potty before I got him dressed. And he pooped on the potty AGAIN! Well, at this point I decided Josh and I must be parenting pretty well and I had my phone ready to dial all my friends who need my advice to get their children potty trained. I was thinking we were on top of things. As I'm on the phone with my mom, Jacob comes around the corner. And what do I smell??
Yep. You guessed it. Poop in the diaper. ARGH!!!!!!!! There goes my parenting award. Now I can't call anyone to tell them how to make their kids go in the potty. Blah. And I have to clean it up again. White flag. I surrender. Someone else come take care of this! So I think we'll just keep playing it by ear for awhile. I'm not sure either of us is ready to go full throttle.
But let me tell you, whether cleaning up poop from a diaper or after going on the potty, both make you want to gag. I'm ready for the day when he can do this himself!!!!!
Friday, January 13, 2012
A funny story...
I feel the need to capture some of our lighter moments in our household. We have some pretty frustrating ones, but we also have a lot of endearing and entertaining ones, too! My 19-month old is a ball full of energy and likes to keep me on my toes. He makes me laugh and he can make my day with one little smile and hug.
So a few weeks ago, I was preparing to go to choir practice. I had gotten ready and was trying to put my shoes on. The problem was I only had one shoe to put on. The other had mysteriously disappeared! Being me, I was running a bit later than I wanted to be. Jacob likes to wear my shoes around the house (heehee) so I took off on a quick journey checking the floor for my missing shoe.
I started to yell for Josh after that first lap, because the shoe was no where in sight. And choir practice was coming quickly. Josh asked if I checked the bread maker. Now, this may not be a normal response, but it was justified. Our breadmaker is stored on the bottom shelf, and Jacob really enjoyed opening the cabinet and looking in. I thought that surely it could not be there. Of course he wouldn't have put it in there.
So I opened the breadmaker lid, and there it was. My dirty, yucky shoe. How gross!!!!! We laughed at that trick for awhile. Luckily it was a once and done issue. And don't worry, I washed the breadmaker before we used it again!!! Love those little buggers :-)
So a few weeks ago, I was preparing to go to choir practice. I had gotten ready and was trying to put my shoes on. The problem was I only had one shoe to put on. The other had mysteriously disappeared! Being me, I was running a bit later than I wanted to be. Jacob likes to wear my shoes around the house (heehee) so I took off on a quick journey checking the floor for my missing shoe.
I started to yell for Josh after that first lap, because the shoe was no where in sight. And choir practice was coming quickly. Josh asked if I checked the bread maker. Now, this may not be a normal response, but it was justified. Our breadmaker is stored on the bottom shelf, and Jacob really enjoyed opening the cabinet and looking in. I thought that surely it could not be there. Of course he wouldn't have put it in there.
So I opened the breadmaker lid, and there it was. My dirty, yucky shoe. How gross!!!!! We laughed at that trick for awhile. Luckily it was a once and done issue. And don't worry, I washed the breadmaker before we used it again!!! Love those little buggers :-)
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Mad Props to the Single Moms/Military Moms
I've been without my husband this week. He decided it would be fun to go to Texas for a conference. He did offer for us to go with him, but I couldn't see strapping the child in the car for 11 hours after having arrived home from a 12 hour trip. I was pretty sure someone would not make it out alive. So the babe and I stayed home.
Thankfully we had a friend come visit with us for quite a few days (Thanks Kailee!!!!) and have been planning to hang out with others when she wasn't here. And that made it a tad bit easier. But let me tell you, this single parenting thing blows some serious chunks. I decided that yesterday when I was huddled in the corner crying. Now I laugh about it. Yesterday, not so much.
You see, this tiny little boy who is so endearing can also be a bit of a terror. He can now climb up on the desk chair and "play" on the computer, he can uncap pens and draw on the floor/wall/desk and many other things I had hoped he'd never learn how to do. So after dealing with a lot of not listening, he pooped.
Ok, not a big deal, I've dealt with poop before. And I'm pretty good at changing it. That is until the pee starts flying while changing poop. SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!? He is 19 months old and peeing freely. I told him to stop. He didn't listen. So he ruined the outfit he was wearing. The rest of his clothing was in the dryer (I may not do laundry as often as I should) so he was without clothing for a good hour.
So I huddled in the kitchen and cried to my husband to come home. Now. Unfortunately he is 11 hours away. It didn't quite happen. But he'll be here soon, and I can make it 24 more hours. If not, I'll call in reinforcements. Or I'll huddle again. I can do this!!!!!!!!
Thankfully we had a friend come visit with us for quite a few days (Thanks Kailee!!!!) and have been planning to hang out with others when she wasn't here. And that made it a tad bit easier. But let me tell you, this single parenting thing blows some serious chunks. I decided that yesterday when I was huddled in the corner crying. Now I laugh about it. Yesterday, not so much.
You see, this tiny little boy who is so endearing can also be a bit of a terror. He can now climb up on the desk chair and "play" on the computer, he can uncap pens and draw on the floor/wall/desk and many other things I had hoped he'd never learn how to do. So after dealing with a lot of not listening, he pooped.
Ok, not a big deal, I've dealt with poop before. And I'm pretty good at changing it. That is until the pee starts flying while changing poop. SERIOUSLY!?!?!?!? He is 19 months old and peeing freely. I told him to stop. He didn't listen. So he ruined the outfit he was wearing. The rest of his clothing was in the dryer (I may not do laundry as often as I should) so he was without clothing for a good hour.
So I huddled in the kitchen and cried to my husband to come home. Now. Unfortunately he is 11 hours away. It didn't quite happen. But he'll be here soon, and I can make it 24 more hours. If not, I'll call in reinforcements. Or I'll huddle again. I can do this!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Starting again...
I'm a bit nervous about this. I'm struggling with my purpose (again!), and besides taking care of Jacob, I'm trying to find the other thing that God is calling me to do. Is this it? Let's be honest, I am not spreading any valuable information or wisdom in these posts. They're more like the crazy thoughts I have in my head that I shouldn't be sharing. Would God really call me to tell people about my craziness??
And then there's the fear that I won't have anything to write about. Honestly, there are some days were I should just keep my mouth shut. Would that be better? If writing is therapeutic, then I should be blogging every single moment. Maybe then I wouldn't have that crazy eye thing going on...
So we'll give this a few weeks. See how things go. I'm pregnant with #2, so eventually I will take a break again so I can sleep. And I'll need to take a shower too, which will probably trump blogging. So, no big promises. One day at a time. As long as that one kid stays asleep for his whole nap! :-)
Hope you're all having a swell day!!!
And then there's the fear that I won't have anything to write about. Honestly, there are some days were I should just keep my mouth shut. Would that be better? If writing is therapeutic, then I should be blogging every single moment. Maybe then I wouldn't have that crazy eye thing going on...
So we'll give this a few weeks. See how things go. I'm pregnant with #2, so eventually I will take a break again so I can sleep. And I'll need to take a shower too, which will probably trump blogging. So, no big promises. One day at a time. As long as that one kid stays asleep for his whole nap! :-)
Hope you're all having a swell day!!!
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