Looking for the perfect mother...

I'm looking for the perfect mother.  The one who knows what to do in each situation to make the child stop screaming, or how to teach them perfectly, or how to keep them in bed when they want to get out.  I'd pick Super Nanny, but she doesn't have kids.  So she's out.  I'm looking for a mother who knows how to handle every situation with poise and grace.  She doesn't get mad, she doesn't get frustrated and she has solved the biggest childcare issues.

Right now, I'd ask her how to teach a child to eat without blowing raspberries.  How to get the same child to sleep through the night and take his naps.  I'd like to know what the best combination of foods are and whether the current food he's eating will prevent him from eating "real" food in a year.  I have so many questions for this perfect mother.  Where can she be found??

Truthfully, I know every mother says she's not perfect.  But truthfully, I'm pretty sure some are much closer than they realize!! Me? I think I'm doomed to be the bad example for the rest of my life!  See, my kid falls and bumps his head.  He spits his food out at me.  He gets it up his nose and then screams when I try to get it out.  He refuses to sleep the whole night through and most naps are a challenge unless he's exhausted.  And I'm pretty sure I've gotten the formula amounts wrong once or twice or more. And just today, I bounced him around so much he threw up on me.

So, perfect mother, where are you?! Would you please show yourself????

What disqualifies you from being the perfect mother??